I'm hoping this time it will be different but as I write at 4am (first night of relapse insomnia), I have to be really reflective about what I can truly manage and what has to wait.
At 4:02 am, I took the mess of papers and notebooks scattered across my typically neat Virgo desk and organized them into piles labeled:
- Publishable paper (need to revise and resubmit by March)
- Social Marketing (course I am taking)
- SW 589 (course I am teaching - 4 hours/week)
- El NIDO Family Center (part-time consultant job - 11 hours/week)
- Dissertation Proposal (70-80 page manuscript in progress that I hope to defend by Spring)
- Bills (for which I am now solely responsible)
- Correspondence (if it's not a bill, then it can wait - till when, I'm not sure)
- Planner (where every event and thing to do is logged)
Daunted but not deterred.
In the "plus" column, I have a score of warrior women who care about and support me. I sent them all a text last week asking for prayer. It got so bad I needed back-up to pray. I've gotten similar texts before and after I sent out mine last week - we all need help sometime.
Exercise (elliptical, strength training, dancing, tennis, hiking, walking, sex, Zumba class, Yoga, etc.), eating well and supplements (B vitamins and good quality salmon oil) are all very helpful and support my mood and energy level while I attempt to juggle.
Prozac is pretty good too.
Then there is a string of healers - both Western and Traditional - I have weaved together to catch me before I fall.
The good news is I have never been happier - seriously, happy.
My life makes so much sense now. I am managing to find a balance. Things are falling into place. One reader I consulted said to me, "Things are supposed to get easier. If they are not easy, then stop and do something different." I have stopped pushing and things are falling into place. Nice.
Another reader I consulted said to me, "You are triumphant. You cannot be squashed. You fall and get up again and again." She also said, "You prefer to be up front about things. You don't like hypocrisy." She said, "Success is on its way. A rebirth is coming. You are visionary. You will do interesting things in your life. You are lucky in love. You will experience a rebirth in health, stability, work and love."
I'll take it.
Now I gotta pay some bills. Good night.