Thursday, June 21, 2012

Joke Contest

It's been said that laughter is healing because it releases endorphins (the body's natural pain killers) and all that jazz.  To that end, I have an array of jokes that might make you laugh.  Please vote on your favorite.  I have a dog in this fight.

Ants were working together to build an ant hill.  When they were finished, they looked upon their accomplishment with great pride.  

Suddenly, an enormous elephant came through and wiped out their ant hill with one lumbering step. 

Frustrated but undeterred, the ants set about rebuilding.  

The elephant returned and stomped on through their ant hill once again.  

This time, the ants organized to hatch a plan. The next time the elephant came through they swarmed him until he was covered in ants.  The elephant began to toss and shake sending the ants to and fro landing all over and askew.  

The ants were crushed that their plan had not worked out better but as they looked over at the elephant they saw that there was one lone ant hanging on to the nape of the neck of the elephant.  

They conspired psychically from their scattered positions and began to chant, "CHOKE HIM, CHOKE HIM, CHOKE HIM!"

A woman was driving to visit a friend when suddenly she realized she'd run over a cat. She arrived at her friends house quite distressed. She feared that she'd run over her friend's cat!  Her friend asked her, "What did the cat look like?"  
The woman thought for a moment and then made this face ...
Her friend said, "no, no, no - after you ran the cat over."  The woman thought a bit more and made this face...

I assure you that no cats were harmed in this joke.

A man with a giant orange where his should be walks into a bar and orders a drink.  

The bartender serves him and says, "I can't help noticing you have a large orange where your head should be."  

The man says, "Yes, well that's a story.  I was walking down the beach and tripped over something in the sand so I dug it up and it was a lamp.  A genie came out of it and offered to grant me three wishes.  My first wish was to have a billion dollars so I have a billion dollars in the bank now."

The bartender says, "Yes, but that doesn't explain why you have a large orange where your head should be."

The man replies, "Yes, I am getting to that.  My second wish was to have sex with all the Spice Girls."  

The bartender and man exchange smiles and the bartender begins to say, "I still don't get why..."

The man then says, "My third wish was to have a giant orange where my head should be."

I used to wrestle when I was in high school.
I wasn't very good.
I gave up after I came.

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