There is a lot we now know about stalking exes and what to do about it.
Knowledge is Power (and more powerful than threats)!
Who
-According to U.S. Department of Justice statistics, nearly three in four (75%) stalking victims know the offender.
-The risk of being stalked is highest for those who are divorced or separated, and women are at greater risk than men.
What
-Stalking is labelled a criminal act, with California enacting the world’s first anti-stalking legislation in 1990.
-Stalking may be described as a ‘constellation of behaviors in which one individual inflicts on another repeated unwanted intrusions and communications.’
-Harassment, intimidation, slander, exploitation, theft, fraud, character assassination, false accusation, stalking, and physical or psychological abuse are among the forms of violence that may occur in the context of high-conflict divorce.
-Repeated and unwanted telephone calls, instant messages, text messages, or e-mails. This contact may have an innocent explanation, such as "I just want to talk about the children." Frequently, stalkers and harassers use the children as an excuse to have contact with their victims.
-Reading e-mail messages.
-Tracking or monitoring your computer, e-mail, and cell phone use.
-Damaging or vandalizing your home, car, or other property.
-Questioning your friends, family, children, neighbors, or co-workers.
Why
-Stalking and "obsessional relational intrusion" represent the dark side of close relationships.
-A majority of stalkers may be mentally ill.
-Violence in a divorce may be an expression of overwhelming psychological disturbance or it may be a calculated behavior designed to accomplish an instrumental goal.
What to Do
-Clearly state to the person (including your ex or soon to-be ex) that you are not interested in and do not want his or her attention or contact.
-Ignore this persons attempts to contact you or arrange some interaction. One way a stalker may try to control and harass you is by baiting you into a discussion or an argument. Even negative feedback can give the stalker what he or she wants and may continue or escalate the behavior. Do not try to reason with or appease a stalker.
-Tell your friends, family, neighbors, landlord, and coworkers what has been happening, and show them a picture of the stalker. Stalkers typically thrive on privacy and secrecy. The more people know about your situation, the more eyes and ears are watching out for you. Tell your neighbors and co-workers to keep an eye out for the stalker in your neighborhood or workplace.
-If you think your e-mail account has been compromised, close it and open a new account. Select usernames and addresses that are nondescript and gender-neutral and that do not contain any identifying information. Do not share your password with anyone.
-File a formal report of all incidents with your local police or sheriff's department.
-If you continue to receive unwanted contact or attention, file a petition for a restraining order. In almost every state, such forms are available at your local courthouse. This can be done with or without an attorney. Some free legal aid agencies work specifically with victims of stalking and can provide advice and assistance. If you already have an attorney who is assisting you with your divorce or custody matter, consult with your lawyer prior to filing an action yourself.
-Keep a journal of pertinent dates, a brief summary of events, and the names and phone numbers of any witnesses. Consider making copies and giving them to a friend or family member or placing them in a secure place, such as a safety deposit box.
-Randy Kessler, a divorce lawyer, says "People don't think they'll be prosecuted," he said. "It's good to know they can be." He is happy to hear more of these cases come to light.
-Other interventions are also possible and sometimes undertaken (hiring a bodyguard, change of identity or location, etc.).
References:
Baer, Eliana. (2014, November 13). Stalking The Soul: Co-Parenting With An Abusive Narcissist (Part II). Mondaq Business Briefing, p. Mondaq Business Briefing, Nov 13, 2014.
Dayan, Kobi, Fox, Shaul, & Morag, Michal. (2013). Validation of spouse violence risk assessment inventory for police purposes. Journal of Family Violence, 28(8), 811-821.
Meyer, J. (2012). What to Do If You Are Being Stalked, Harassed, or Spied On. Family Advocate, 35(1), 44-46,48. National stalking awareness month--January 2008.(Notice to Readers). (2008, January 25). Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, p. 72.
Ornstein, P., & Rickne, J. (2013). When does intimate partner violence continue after separation? Violence against Women, 19(5), 617-33.
Sheridan, Lorraine, Gillett, Raphael, Davies, Graham M., Blaauw, Eric, & Patel, Darshana. (2003). 'There's no smoke without fire'... British Journal of Psychology, 94(1), 87-98.
Spillane-Grieco, E. (2000). Cognitive-behavioral family therapy with a family in high-conflict divorce: A case study. Clinical Social Work Journal, 28(1), 105-119.
Thomas E. Schacht, Psy.D. (2000). Prevention Strategies to Protect Professionals and Families Involved in High-Conflict Divorce. University of Arkansas at Little Rock Law Review, 22, 565-897.
Torpy, Bill. (2013, December 31). ONLINE PRIVACY: Personal data at risk, stalking case shows: Woman invaded lives of ex-husband, new wife, authorities say.(News). The Atlanta Journal-Constitution (Atlanta, GA), p. A1.
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