All About Exes, Stalking and Restraining Orders

There is a lot we now know about stalking exes and what to do about it.

Knowledge is Power (and more powerful than threats)!

Who
-According to U.S. Department of Justice statistics, nearly three in four (75%) stalking victims know the offender.
-The risk of being stalked is highest for those who are divorced or separated, and women are at greater risk than men.

What
-Stalking is labelled a criminal act, with California enacting the world’s first anti-stalking legislation in 1990.
-Stalking may be described as a ‘constellation of behaviors in which one individual inflicts on another repeated unwanted intrusions and communications.’
-Harassment, intimidation, slander, exploitation, theft, fraud, character assassination, false accusation, stalking, and physical or psychological abuse are among the forms of violence that may occur in the context of high-conflict divorce.
-Repeated and unwanted telephone calls, instant messages, text messages, or e-mails. This contact may have an innocent explanation, such as "I just want to talk about the children." Frequently, stalkers and harassers use the children as an excuse to have contact with their victims.
-Reading e-mail messages.
-Tracking or monitoring your computer, e-mail, and cell phone use. 
-Damaging or vandalizing your home, car, or other property. 
-Questioning your friends, family, children, neighbors, or co-workers.

Why
-Stalking and "obsessional relational intrusion" represent the dark side of close relationships.
-A majority of stalkers may be mentally ill.
-Violence in a divorce may be an expression of overwhelming psychological disturbance or it may be a calculated behavior designed to accomplish an instrumental goal.

What to Do
-Clearly state to the person (including your ex or soon to-be ex) that you are not interested in and do not want his or her attention or contact.
-Ignore this persons attempts to contact you or arrange some interaction. One way a stalker may try to control and harass you is by baiting you into a discussion or an argument. Even negative feedback can give the stalker what he or she wants and may continue or escalate the behavior. Do not try to reason with or appease a stalker.
-Tell your friends, family, neighbors, landlord, and coworkers what has been happening, and show them a picture of the stalker. Stalkers typically thrive on privacy and secrecy. The more people know about your situation, the more eyes and ears are watching out for you. Tell your neighbors and co-workers to keep an eye out for the stalker in your neighborhood or workplace. 
-If you think your e-mail account has been compromised, close it and open a new account. Select usernames and addresses that are nondescript and gender-neutral and that do not contain any identifying information. Do not share your password with anyone.
-File a formal report of all incidents with your local police or sheriff's department.
-If you continue to receive unwanted contact or attention, file a petition for a restraining order. In almost every state, such forms are available at your local courthouse. This can be done with or without an attorney. Some free legal aid agencies work specifically with victims of stalking and can provide advice and assistance. If you already have an attorney who is assisting you with your divorce or custody matter, consult with your lawyer prior to filing an action yourself.
-Keep a journal of pertinent dates, a brief summary of events, and the names and phone numbers of any witnesses. Consider making copies and giving them to a friend or family member or placing them in a secure place, such as a safety deposit box.
-Randy Kessler, a divorce lawyer, says "People don't think they'll be prosecuted," he said. "It's good to know they can be." He is happy to hear more of these cases come to light.
-Other interventions are also possible and sometimes undertaken (hiring a bodyguard, change of identity or location, etc.).


References: 

Baer, Eliana. (2014, November 13). Stalking The Soul: Co-Parenting With An Abusive Narcissist (Part II). Mondaq Business Briefing, p. Mondaq Business Briefing, Nov 13, 2014. 

Dayan, Kobi, Fox, Shaul, & Morag, Michal. (2013). Validation of spouse violence risk assessment inventory for police purposes. Journal of Family Violence, 28(8), 811-821. 

Meyer, J. (2012). What to Do If You Are Being Stalked, Harassed, or Spied On. Family Advocate, 35(1), 44-46,48. National stalking awareness month--January 2008.(Notice to Readers). (2008, January 25). Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, p. 72. 

Ornstein, P., & Rickne, J. (2013). When does intimate partner violence continue after separation? Violence against Women, 19(5), 617-33. 

Sheridan, Lorraine, Gillett, Raphael, Davies, Graham M., Blaauw, Eric, & Patel, Darshana. (2003). 'There's no smoke without fire'... British Journal of Psychology, 94(1), 87-98. 

Spillane-Grieco, E. (2000). Cognitive-behavioral family therapy with a family in high-conflict divorce: A case study. Clinical Social Work Journal, 28(1), 105-119. 

Thomas E. Schacht, Psy.D. (2000). Prevention Strategies to Protect Professionals and Families Involved in High-Conflict Divorce. University of Arkansas at Little Rock Law Review, 22, 565-897. 

Torpy, Bill. (2013, December 31). ONLINE PRIVACY: Personal data at risk, stalking case shows: Woman invaded lives of ex-husband, new wife, authorities say.(News). The Atlanta Journal-Constitution (Atlanta, GA), p. A1.

Mentoring Millennials

When you consult with a millennial social worker about to lead a high school group that stresses her out and she creates a meme with the mantra that you gave her to build her confidence.

Being caring, fair, and firm is the best way to teach, parent, supervise, and lead.

It is being an adult in relationships - balancing the "parent" (rules & responsibilities) and "baby" (needs & wants) parts in ourselves in order to be whole and integrated. We were either raised to be this way or we learned it along the way to maturity.

Our own balance brings out the balance in others because we are not trying to rescue and thus give others the opportunity to save themselves.

If we chronically do too much for others, bending over backwards, then we run the risk of becoming resentful and stressed out.

The target of our over-care is also at risk of becoming resentful from being chronically rescued and infantilized ("What, you think I'm not capable of doing it or figuring it out? You don't think I have a right to succeed or fail if I want to??).

Over-performing in the lives of others (co-dependence) at our own expense (self-neglect) does not end well for anybody.

If you're caught in a cycle of focusing too much on your "parent" part (being overly responsible for others), then your "baby" part is crying out for equal time (because your own needs are being neglected). 
An antidote is deciding to have some fun.
Another is to figure out how we got so out of whack in the first place! What underlying beliefs need to change to keep us in balance?

Core beliefs can make you well.
I'm lovable, competent, strong, and whole.
There are people I can trust.
The world is usually a safe place.

Publications

Check out:

Kataoka, S., Vona, P., Acuna, A., Jaycox, L., Escudero, P., Rojas, C., Ramirez, E., Langley, A., & Stein, B.D. (in press) Applying a Trauma Informed School Systems Approach: Examples from School Community-Academic Partnerships. Ethnicity & Disease.

Acuña, M.A., & Martinez, J.I. (in press). Pilot Evaluation of Back to Basics Parenting Training in Urban Schools. School Social Work Journal.

Acuña, M. A., & Kataoka, S. (2017). Family Communication Styles and Resilience among Adolescents. Social Work, 62(3), 261-269.

Acuña, A. & Escudero, P.V. (2016). Helping those who come here alone. Phi Delta Kappan, 97(4), 42-45.

They Man Up & Come Clean

I love comedians. They are ruthless with the truth, which feels so good it makes us wanna pee in our pants.

With recent news stories about sexual harassment, I was relieved to read Louis CK's response to his allegations in the NY Times.

"These stories are true," he said.

No victim-blaming or shaming, no denials or recriminations, no revisionist Holocaust denial malevolence. No flipping the script with distortions.

"...I wielded that power irresponsibly. I have been remorseful of my actions. And I’ve tried to learn from them...I wish I had reacted to their admiration of me by being a good example to them as a man and given them some guidance as a comedian, including because I admired their work."

"I also took advantage of the fact that I was widely admired in my and their community, which disabled them from sharing their story and brought hardship to them when they tried because people who look up to me didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t think that I was doing any of that because my position allowed me not to think about it."

In his statement, I read that he credits power and privilege for the conditions that allowed harassment to occur unchecked. I also see his expressed self-awareness, taking responsibility, and empathy, which is grown-up stuff and worthy of NY Times space.

Then my man, Chris Rock, comes out and tells it on the mountain (on stage in his Netflix special).

“I was addicted to porn.” 

Boom. Raw & real. Humbly without shame - just the honest to goodness truth. Referring to his divorce, he said:

“It’s my fault, because I’m a f—ing asshole...I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. I had an attitude, I thought, ‘I pay for everything, I can do what I want.’ That s— don’t f—ing work. I just thought I was the s—.”

Again power and money is credited for the justification to behave badly. Real, perceived or fantasized power can make one think that one matters more than others - that personal needs, wants and desires trump those of others, regardless of the cost. This ride only lasts until those taken advantage of speak up and walk out. Chris also expresses self-awareness, personal responsibility, and empathy. It's bold because he doesn't have to say this - and yet he does. It's like he is saving his own soul.

At the end of the game, the cheese stands alone in the middle of the circle.
This moment of self-reflection may be an opportunity for transformation.
"Love the truth and so be saved."