Temper Tantrum with Myself

Every assignment requires focused attention and effort.  But not all assignments are created equal.

I have just finished laboring over a statistical analysis and write up.  Not exceptionally difficult, but requiring focused attention and effort.  It is hard for me to invest time, attention and effort when I am not interested or passionate about the details of the assignment.  It takes herculean efforts to wrestle with myself and drag myself to the page, especially when it is difficult and I am stumped.

I thought this assignment was going to kill me -- really.  Panic set in on Friday.  I made a few phone calls - first, to a brilliant classmate and then a tutor whose number I got from a flyer I picked up in Stats class.  I needed some insurance if things got out of control.  I had started on the first question of the assignment and was already overwhelmed - vacillating between feeling confident and totally inept.  I tried telling myself affirming stuff like, It will get done. It always gets done. You are not the best or the worst student at UCLA, but someone let you in and you belong here. You have completed difficult assignments in the past, and so on.

I worked on the assignment until late into the night on Friday.  I went to Disneyland to celebrate my daughter's birthday on Saturday.  I started working on it as soon as I woke up on Sunday.  I took lots of breaks (running away from the discipline of focused energy) but kept coming back to the page until it got done.  One break included watching an Oprah episode in which she brings back her favorite guest of all time, a woman from a small village in Africa who was not allowed to go to school but achieved her dream of studying in America, despite all odds, and earned a BA, MA and PhD.  That brought me back to the page, feeling guilty even for all my whining.

At times, I cursed my stats professor, despite the fact that he is a kind and smart man.  When I thought I was going to die from the torture of this assignment, I blamed him for my untimely demise.  Now I see where my daughter gets her dramatics.  I will remember this the next time I want to tell her not to be so dramatic.  I celebrated the completion of the assignment with my daughter - this included tickling, a happy dance and baking a red velvet cake in the shape of a cupcake (I let her pick the fun activity).

Now I am working on my next assignment - a paper on the physiological mechanisms underlying yoga as a complementary treatment for asthma and other health problems.  My population of interest is low-income ethnic minority urban youth and their families.  They experience many health disparities and rates of health problems higher than the general population. 

Sitting in front of a stack of journal articles composing both a paper and presentation, I feel like I am back, baby.  The energy is flowing again.  It is easier to focus. 

What are you struggling to get done?  What helps you to get past your own internal temper tantrum? 
What brings you joy?  Where is your passion?  How can you structure your day and life around doing more of this or more often?