Envy, Jealousy & Love

My clinical supervisor taught me that 90% of who we are is made up of the baby part (the rest are the adult and the parent parts).  The baby acutely feels the pain of envy, jealousy and fear of abandonment - it is unbearable.

Envy is wanting what someone has - a thing or a virtue.

Jealousy is wanting someone all for yourself.

The baby is also greedy - all for me and none for you.

Fear of abandonment is especially painful - without you I will die.

There are ways to cope and soothe the painful feelings.

We can work to attain the thing or virtue that we admire.  Or we can destroy it with our words or actions.

We can nurture the relationship with the person that we care about.  Or we can try to control it through various manipulations.

We can live feeling like a victim and forever dependent on another for our life.  Or we can foster independence and interdependence in our relationships.

I received a book, Sastun, as a gift from a colleague/friend recently about a traditional healer.  It tells the story of Don Elijio's healing work in Belize.  A common presenting problem is illness due to mal de ojo and envidia.  Neighbors will pay a sorcerer to cast a spell on someone that they envy.  Men will ask for love spells to enchant a woman they want.  These are illnesses that may require spiritual healing.  Unfortunately, traditional healers are often misunderstood, feared or ridiculed.  I have met and read about loving and generous healers.  I recently reconnected to a schoolmate that is a chaman.  She said that the only difference between a chaman and a sorcerer is intention.  They both are skilled at using energy.

In the book, The Good Earth, by Pearl S. Buck, the Chinese tradition of putting down one's good fortune is depicted - this meal my wife cooked is terrible, my son is ugly and no good - as a way to prevent misfortune brought on by invidious gods or neighbors.

When we feel the pain of envy or jealousy, we may have a hard time being responsible for our own feelings.  Is someone doing it to us through their arrogance or condescension?  Is someone lording it over us?  Or is our baby part being triggered?

Thich Nhat Hanh talks about how we all have seeds - love, greed, envy, joy. It is up to us to choose which to focus on and grow.  We are encouraged to notice, without judgment, all our feelings.  No need to reject or run away from them.  In psychodynamic terms, there is no need to deny or repress these intolerable emotions. As we notice them, we may also notice how they pass through, like a visitor, not staying or getting stuck.

The tenth law that Moses brought to his people when he came down from the mountain and his encounter with God was: You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. Exodus 20:17 (NIV).

The grass is not greener on the other side.  It is a total lie.  The gifts we have are unique.  The dreams and desires within are one-of-a-kind. This desire can inspire you to work hard.

Jesus said simply: Love your neighbor as yourself (NAS, Mark 12:28-31) and Love one another (NIV, John 13:34-35).

We can delight in the good fortune of others as if it were our very own - evidence of the abundance of the Universe.  There is enough for all of us.  God loves you and everyone else.