Taking on "Constructive Criticism"

The idea of "constructive criticism" intrigues me.

Online dictionary definition: criticism or advice that is useful and intended to help or improve something, often with an offer of possible solutions

When I was in college, I had two friends with different attitudes about constructive criticism. Casey believed you did not leave your friends to their folly. Jorge believed it was not your place to offer such words of advice, even to friends, or something to that effect.

I find that people continue to fall into these two camps - each with their own rationale and sense of love and respect for people and friends.

My friend, Mik, just sent me a link to the following blog about "editing:" http://donmilleris.com/2010/10/21/do-you-have-a-team-of-good-life-editors

In this post, Don Miller writes about how he doesn't review other people's manuscripts anymore because of bad past experiences:

"I’d assume writers want to be told what should be cut out of their book, but this isn’t the case. Only the good writers want to know what should be cut from their manuscripts. The amateurs just want to be told they are good."

Dr. Walter Brakelmanns, an accomplished psychiatrist and octagenarian, said that many supervisees started off their relationship with him by asking for constructive feedback because "that is one of the best ways that I learn." After he offered this feedback, they didn't return. So he quit doing it. Makes sense.

Gerry, a UCLA field liaison, frequently introduced me to his students as a "challenging" field instructor, based on feedback he received from my master's-level social work interns. He also said I was "too much" for first year master's-level students. One of my interns told me she heard from other interns that I had "high expectations." I guess when you are starting out what you want is a lot of reassurance, not constructive feedback, even though none of us know what the heck we are doing when we are starting out.

As a field instructor, I offered constructive feedback during individual supervision meetings. I was mindful to maintain a ratio of 3 to 1 or 5 to 1. That is, 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. This appears to be the "magic ratio" for relationships - both at home and in the workplace. "How Full Is Your Bucket?" (a book by Tom Rath & Donald O. Clifton) describes a study that found workgroups with positive-to-negative ratios greater than 3 to 1 to be significantly more productive than teams that do not reach this ratio.

But is there such a thing as too much of a good thing? Yes! Frederickson and Losada's mathematical modeling of positive-to-negative ratios suggests the existence of an upper limit: Things can worsen if the ratio goes higher than 13 to 1. So it is possible to be too nice. No constructive feedback and productivity worsens.

This makes sense to me because after my daughter's 2nd grade parent-teacher conference, in which the teacher balanced feedback at a magical 5 to 1 ratio, (and my daughter was still upset!) I could say to my girl, "It's okay, nobody gets to be perfect, my love."

And if you think about it, too nice is a problem because it isn't real. It's not honest. And in intimate or important relationships, it means holding back. What I get now, that I didn't understand before, is that two people have to agree about just how intimate, honest or real you can be in the relationship. I have gone out on a ledge sometimes. Thinking I was sticking my neck out to offer a gift that no one in their right mind but a true friend would offer, only to be told, over and over and in many ways, to keep it to myself. Now I know better.

My friend, Mik, a brilliant Swedish composer, is described as "unkind" by close friends because when he does give honest feedback, it is brutally honest. Not brutal as in mean-spirited, he is very diplomatic and humble, but brutal as in "it pains me to see myself as I am, less than perfect, through your eyes."

Getting honest feedback about our work can be a gift. Don Miller describes it as a gift in our personal life as well:

"If you are like me, it’s easy to surround yourself with people who don’t tell you about your blind spots, your weaknesses. I told my friend Dave about a piece of criticism that was thrown at me last month, and he helped me dismiss it as a person consumed with bitterness. But he didn’t stop there, he asked me why I was sensitive about it, and pointed out that part of that persons criticism was actually true. And you know what? Dave was right. He wisely helped me separate the criticism from the motive of the messenger. A friend who can do this for you is a friend indeed.

Not having people around who can show us our blind spots is a sure path toward self destruction. I’m not talking about surrounding yourself with critics. People who offer empty criticism, especially if they don’t know you, are of little help. But if you have friends who are honest with you about your character defects, and yet are obviously for you, you’ve been given a gift."

I think of it as mama-love, that is, something only your mama would say to you out of love. Or your spouse, if they dare. My own loving husband has been persistently working on my tone for the last 19 years. His feedback has helped me to be aware of it in my relationship with him, my daughter and at work. What can I say, I am a slow learner in some areas. Having PTSD doesn't make it easier.

When I try to coach my daughter during our end-of-the-day talks in the car on the way home, she cuts me off and says that I am lecturing her. Point well-taken. Sometimes, I need to just listen. But sometimes, I gotta tell her what only a mama will say. Because some will think it. Some will tell others what they think of you. But few will say it to you - no matter how diplomatically - because it is not polite and they are being nice.

I try to hold up a mirror in my closest relationships with family, friends and clients. Most often, this means mirroring strengths. People have so many strengths. The sad part is that strengths rarely get noticed or acknowledged by self or others. And yet, when you look for them, strengths and talents are easy to spot. If you are right on, then the noticed strengths resonate within the person. It is like giving a person back to themselves. I try to never leave a genuine compliment on the tip of my tongue. These gifts are easier to receive for some.

Sometimes holding up a mirror means announcing "potential danger ahead!" or "You are worth more than that" or "I see your talent and worth and this behavior/choice doesn't seem to fit" or simply, "this could be better, you have it in you." That is what I want in return too.

Sometimes people say to me, "treat me as you would want to be treated." The question is, which tribe are you in - Tribe Casey or Tribe Jorge? Because it makes a difference. Now, I don't assume that we all want the same things in a relationship and I can respect that. I wish Facebook had a question people could answer about which tribe they are in. Until then, I keep these gifts to myself - unless you are my husband, my daughter, a bosom buddy or client that wants to hear it.