Friday, September 25, 2009

OMG!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What sounds good and doable during summer vacation, becomes a what-were-you-thinking? in the fall. I don't know how I will keep up with this blog, except that posts will become more brief and concise (except for this one).

I am officially and completely overwhelmed. As a way to cope, I had been avoiding thinking about what being in school would be like (except for the fantasies about the off-shore breezes and marble libraries). I guess I figured that worrying about it wouldn't help. Now I am in it and it has hit me like a really tall wave (I am trying not to be catastrophic - initially, I wanted to call it a tsunami).

I have been affect regulating in full force and the pendulum is swinging far and wide. I feel scared, hopeful, anxious, excited, worried, relieved, stimulated and overwhelmed. I am feverishly (literally, I am fighting a flu bug - please, don't be H1N1) trying to digest all the information and it is making my head hurt.

How could I have prepared better for this experience? I always jump in with both feet and deal with the emotional consequences later. Big emotional consequences. I fear that attending to the emotional factors beforehand will psyche me out of even showing up. Anyway, paddling in the deluge that comes after is pretty scary and I am wondering - there has got to be a better way.

The really good news is that my fantasy about carving out time and space to read, think and write was totally right on. At the orientation, all the professors concured about this. And being asked questions like, what do you want to be expert at? was exhilirating. What will I immerse myself in reading over the next few years? What are my research questions? I am in the right place, doing the right thing.

So far, what has helped me through:
self-talk (it's going to be all right, one reading/assignment at a time, you can do it)
support and reassurance from 2nd year doc students, professors, family, friends, colleagues, and administrators
prayer
airborne
salmon oil
meditation cd's
sleep (sometimes nyquil-induced)
and writing

It's time to get ready for work. Thank God for work and that I have a job.

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