Loose Associations

Oprah magazine contributor (yay for summer reading!), Donna Brazile, relates a story that happened to Gloria Steinem (this is like the game telephone or oral history): On a field trip in college, Gloria "rescued" a big turtle from the side of the road by wrestling it back down to the water below. Upon learning of this heroic feat, a professor told her that she had just set the turtle back a month - she'd crawled up to lay her eggs in the mud. That experience taught Gloria the important political lesson - always ask the turtle.

My Epistemology Professor, Zeke, when reviewing Feminist Standpoint (or was it Postmodernism?), described how the response to domestic violence by professionals is often counter to what women say they want, when asked. Our focus tends to be on restraining orders and separation or divorce, while women say, in a qualitative study, that they want help with staying together and help for their partners. We dismiss the attachment and bonds, but they don't. I admit to figuratively rolling my eyes when women refused to call the police after a domestic violence incident because they didn't want their children to witness dad being arrested. Now I get that everyone has a point. Integrating ideas, solutions, interests and perspectives is the best way forward. Everything is political in this way.

Twenty years ago, I used to teach birth control methods to young women and I would sometimes ask about their plans for the future. This is when I learned that they were actually trying to get pregnant and not interested in birth control methods at all. It would have saved me an hour if I'd asked this question first. Most of the time, trying to have a baby meant trying to create a bond to someone that would love them back unconditionally. They were more interested in attachment and bonds in the here and now than any other future plans.

Jumping into treatment or intervention may be fool-hardy and ineffective. Taking the time to ask, assess, observe, and listen is invaluable. A comprehensive biopsychosocial assessment often makes what to do readily apparent.

Kevin Cameron, a Canadian therapist and expert on threat assessment trains crisis responders in threat assessment internationally. During break time at a training, I asked him if he would get to what to do with students that make threats because he was spending lots of time on the assessment stage. He said that most people don't spend nearly enough time on this and often make decisions based on unidimensional assessments - which are not only limited and incomplete, but may be dangerously wrong.

My mother often told me how important it was as a parent to observe, study and understand your child. Then, what to do as a parent - how to respond appropriately, effectively and in an attuned way - would be clearer. Every child is unique and what works for one may not work for another. What your parents did to raise you, may or may not work for your own kids. Individualized parenting, with some universal or standard principles, makes some sense. Research supports some common elements in effective parenting.

Summer seems to provide a great opportunity to slow down and reflect, observe and study - ourselves, first and then our kids, just like the instructions during airplane take-off. Parent, know thyself. Your child is a mirror - a reflection of your best parts and the unresolved stuff. The beauty is, there is always hope for the unresolved to find closure. Acknowledgement takes confidence and courage, seeking assistance and telling the truth does too. The rewards for all this heroism is good - for us and our kids.