Boundaries

I don't know a helping professional that doesn't struggle with setting limits and boundaries in relationships - personal or professional.  After all, we get paid to do what we do best - take care of others!

There are better ways to help others - ways that don't involve self-neglect, infantilizing others or outright codependence.

Consider some of these "tips" from an unusual source:

• avoid being "too nice" - that is, giving and giving until we are depleted - know when to pull back
• be kind and strong
• know what you want but don't compromise yourself to get it
• stand up for yourself when anyone steps over the line
• play fair, don't take advantage
• presence of mind enables us to wield our power when necessary
• remain cool under pressure
• don't be a doormat, don't always say yes, don't revolve your whole world around someone
• don't obsess over someone else's approval or disapproval
• a bit of irreverence is necessary to have any self-esteem at all - not irreverence for people, but rather, for what other people think
• an empowered person derives tremendous strength from the ability to be an independent thinker, particularly in a world that still teaches women how to be self-abnegating
• have the presence of mind to do what is in your own best interests
  

Why Men Love Bitches: from Doormat to Dreamgirl - a woman's guide to holding her own in a relationship by Sherry Argov

Discrimination is bad for your heart

Discrimination (as a social stressor) sets into motion a process of physiological responses:
elevated blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol secretions.

These heightened physiological responses over time can have downstream effects on health.

There is substantial evidence for the harmful health effects of discrimination, including:

• Depression 
• Psychological distress 
• Anxiety 
• Well-being 

It is also linked to:

• Hypertension 
• Self-reported poor health 
• Breast cancer 
• Risk factors for disease such as obesity, high blood pressure and substance abuse

One way to understand the experience of discrimination is that it is a stressor that can broadly impact health.

Although most stressful experiences do not increase vulnerability to illness, certain kinds of stressors—those that are uncontrollable and unpredictable— are particularly harmful to health, and these characteristics are common to discrimination experiences.

Perceived discrimination and health: a meta-analytic review. 
EA Pascoe, L Smart Richman 
Psychological Bulletin, 2009

Open your eyes and see.

Adult Children

Some of us were not expected to or given the opportunity to grow up.

As an adult, we now have a choice to grow up.  Growing up can be hard work and responding in child-like ways may seem easier.

The results of doing the hard work of growing up are more freedoms, opportunities and self-respect.

The results of remaining child-like in our thinking or behavior may result in less freedom, less opportunities and less self-respect.

I have an elder mentor who has struggled with PTSD, depression and anxiety for most of his life.  He has depended on his partner, financially and emotionally, for over 30 years.  He tells me that before he dies, he wants to live like an adult.

Another mentor, Reevah Simon, says that some of us refuse to be born - it is much easier to stay in a fetus-like state.  That is, one in which we get our needs met without doing much - freedoms without responsibility.

Adult children tend to...

• be immature and emotionally vulnerable
• prefer to have a parent figure look after them
• be physically an adult but mentally/emotionally a child
• whine, complain, and think everything is unfair
• be unable to have healthy relationships with romantic partners due to immature behavior, but are in desperate need of someone
• complain about the rules and/or show too much emotion (crying) at work
• need constant reassurance
• need to be supported financially and emotionally

We have a right to live as an adult before we die.  The rewards are worth the very scary effort.

Dissertation Proposal

"Researchers employ theory, method, evidence, and reasoning to produce findings they claim are important and relevant to the questions of interest.  The reasoning producing the findings and relating them to the problem constitutes an argument that is the heart of the dissertation proposal.  This argument justifies conducting the study and supports the meaning and utility of the results found.  The primary function of the dissertation proposal, then, is to provide this justification for the inquiry."

How to prepare a dissertation proposal:  Suggestions for students in education & the social and behavioral sciences
David R. Krathwohl & Nick L. Smith

It feels that I have been left to my own devices - by and large - to figure out how to do this thing. You gotta be a bit self-reliant and resourceful (asking for a lot of help from kind strangers) to get this far. Some tips I recommend to other intrepids on the same road...

• Books on how to draft a dissertation proposal, prepare a literature review, etc.  My mom used to say my real mother was my books.  I gotta admit, there has always been a book on any question or problem I've encountered.  I've bought nearly a dozen how-to books for my dissertation and the one I've referenced above is particularly useful.

• I shamelessly ask professors and doctoral students for copies of their dissertations and/or proposals as samples.  I download others that are relevant to my topic.  I follow their flow, section headings and order, paragraph structure, and so on to give me an idea of how to put mine together.

• UCLA has a "dissertation proposal boot camp" that is Thee Bomb.  I highly recommend the abbreviated weeknight version or the 6-week summer series.  I did both.  Sometime you gotta hear things more than once to really get it.

• When I did a search of journal articles that covered the intersection between urban youth, family communication and posttraumatic resilience, I came across studies that seemed to be designed in the same way that I hope to conduct mine.  Because the methods section is pretty recipe-like and straightforward, there is a lot of opportunity to use a good study as a template - replacing their variables for your own.  If you're gonna come up with your own banana bread recipe, you can use a standard recipe for the major stuff - like 3 cups of flour to 1 cup of sugar, for example, but then make it your own by adding blueberries and strawberries or cutting the sugar with apple sauce.  You don't gotta invent everything from scratch - somethings are pretty standard.

• I started with the research questions and hypotheses.  Then I wrote the methods section.  Now I'm writing the theory section.  I have drafted a million versions of the problem statement and lit review in the last two years.  This should be the last thing you write but I didn't know this until after the Dissertation Proposal Boot Camp (which is one of the many reasons I really recommend it).  So now I just gotta assemble it.  Most of the content has been written.  Thanks to this blog, I read, think and write regularly.

• The theory section is important - research should be theory-driven.  The thing is, phenomena can be viewed through so many different lenses within and outside of your field.  If you can see it and make an interesting case for it, then you might have something.  There are so many theories I could use to guide my research study, but for simplicity's sake, I chose two.  I may throw in a third.  The theory has got to explain why you think you'll see what you predict to find.  This is the fun part of research.  This is where you use your IMAGINATION.  Data don't tell you about the phenomena being studied - your imagination comes up with a story about what you think might be going on and you test it.  That is why scientists are like artists - we gotta see things that no one else has seen and tell the story about what's going on in a meaningful way, that is, in a way that other people will get it and buy into it - so it's gotta be interesting, new or unexpected, and coherent.  Knowledge development is creative!  Ah, I love my life because I found my fit.

Daring to Be

"In the Country of the Blind the One-Eyed Man is King"

In a world full of codependents (that is, those that are raised to neglect their own needs), then the independent person is dangerous.  S/he calls into question the rules that everyone seems to be following:  don't think, don't feel, don't say no, don't challenge, don't confront, and so on.

Be dangerous, be very dangerous.

Happy Adulthood

My Clinical Supervisor, Reevah Simon, always taught me that in relationships, things always equal 100%.  

If one partner is overly responsible - a big Parent part (80%) and small Child part (20%), then they are attracted to/are a magnet for a partner that is not very responsible - a small Parent part (20%) and a big Child part (80%).

80% + 20% = 100%.

20% + 80% = 100%

In the drawing below, a person with "unbalanced circles" is drawn to a person with complementary "unbalanced circles."  

We tend to be in relationships with people that match our neuroses somehow.

This is true for any relationship - parent-child, friends, partners, helping professional-client, and so on.

The aim is not to change our partner (impossible!) but to change, or balance, ourselves.  The goal is integration - that is, a balance between our parent, adult and child parts.  Once we have these parts in balance - we attract similarly balanced others into our lives (because it has to equal 100%).

The Parent part contains the rules, norms, values, principles, guidelines, etc.

The Child part contains the sexual and aggressive drives, the fun and pleasure-seeking part, the part that wants-what-it-wants-when-it-wants-it.  The part that feels the pain of envy, jealousy and abandonment.  The part that wants "all for me and none for you."

The Adult part is the Executive-in-Charge and chooses based on what the Child wants and what the Parent expects.  The Adult part decides what to do & takes action.

In a healthy adult, the Child gets some of what it demands and the Parent gets some of what it demands, but neither takes over, feels neglected or left out.  That's harmony, integration, wholeness and balance.

Have a happy adulthood :)