Pearls of Wisdom from Supervision with Reevah Simon

I have been very lucky to be mentored by amazing professionals. One of them is Reevah Simon, LCSW-extraordinaire. Here are some pearls that have stayed with me like mantras:

Ongoing conflict implies underlying agreement.
What people say about or do to us is only a continual problem if in fact we secretly agree with it. Otherwise, we'd put a stop to it right away.

The Goal of Therapy
The goal of therapy is to help clients achieve their goals (not our goals).
The goal of therapy is the integration of good & bad feelings – integration and wholeness - connect the pieces – universality (Accepting and integrating instead of rejecting and defending against our dark side, because we all have a dark side and we all feel ambivalent about everything).

Did you want to raise your kids differently than you were raised?
This question gets to the heart of the matter, in terms of the emotional reasons that we parent the way we do. We usually make parenting choices in strong reaction, usually opposition, to how we were raised. If our parents were too strict, then we tend to become too lenient. If our parents were too permissive and we suffered because of it - experienced all the dangers of the lack of supervision - then we might become suffocatingly strict. If we liked our parents work just fine, we might become flummoxed when it doesn't work on one of our own.

Anger
Parents are afraid of their own anger or their child’s anger or their spouse’s anger because anger means being or becoming out of control. But someone has to hold the anger, because systems always equal 100%. If mom holds 0%, then dad or child end up holding 100%.

Parents and Children
Kids see the world the way their parents do.
If children are suicidal, parents may be depressed.
If parents don’t change, children are not likely to change.
Parents treat children as parents wish they would have been treated thereby recreating abusive relationships and now children are abusive to parents. In order to avoid being the victimizer, parents are willing to be the victim (of their own children).
Parents were good kids and wanted to please their parents. Now, as parents, they want to please their kids and their kids become abusive toward parents.
What is the goal of parent -- to have their child love them or to raise their child to be a productive adult in the world?
Ambivalence – parents as helpless (not angry at own parents) vs. parents can change (have to be angry at their own parents).

Parents & Discipline
Good parent = not overwhelmed by feelings, container (calm, consistent)
Parents only have problems with children’s behaviors they feel ambivalent about.
Every event (child & parent interaction) ends in one of two ways:
(1) Parent succeeds or (2) Parent gives up
Appropriate discipline is a form of love. It is abusive to set up a child to fail. Children who don’t obey rules have problems in life.
Parents are waiting for their own parent’s discipline techniques to work with their children – why should they do anything differently?
Parents wait to get angry to be determined (about demands, rules and discipline).
It is very unpleasant and powerful when someone you love is angry at you.
Kids do 100% of what their parents want (vs. what their parents say).
There cannot be ongoing conflict unless there is underlying agreement or else they would put a stop to it.
Kids see parents and teachers in alliance. Common ground = future rules. Parent gives child rules in front of the teacher.
Work on home behavior before school behavior.
Opposing parent won’t give equal and opposite rule - don’t listen to your mother, don’t do your HW.
Kids have a right to their thoughts and feelings, parents have control over their child’s behavior.
Parents are doing to you (SW) what their kids are doing to them. Call them on it and be a firm parent that doesn’t give in.

Good stuff, no? There is so much more but that is enough for tonight. Sleep well friends.