Feel

I operate from the assumption (hard-won lesson) that all feelings are normal and natural.  They deserve to be noticed, not judged.

When I share my thoughts and feelings, lay myself bare, I just wanna be heard, understood and accepted (feel felt).

It means I have the ovaries to be real - no pretense, not trying to be cool (because I am cool - got nothing to prove).

I don't wanna be judged, questioned/interrogated, fixed, dismissed, minimized, pathologized, told that I'm wrong, lectured, etc.

Feelings are ephemeral, they too shall pass.  So I acknowledge them.

When we don't acknowledge our feelings or the feelings of others, it signals to me that somewhere, somehow we learned to stuff, deny, ignore, intellectualize them, see them as weak, steamroll over them.

I've worked really hard to stop doing that.  I wanna be seen, understood and accepted.  I start by doing this for myself.

Rumi's poem the The Guest House says it all...

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Care & Let Go

It's not that I don't care, it's that I have no control over it, so I let it go.

The Relationship between Maternal Acceptance, Community Violence & Child Outcomes

Increasing levels of community violence victimization were significantly associated with PTSD symptoms, and even after controlling for being a victim of violence, simply witnessing community violence was significantly related to stress symptoms.

Additionally, as hypothesized, the relations between community violence exposure and mother's report of internalizing and externalizing problems were moderated by the child's perception of maternal acceptance.

Moderate and high levels of maternal acceptance acted as a buffer, protecting children exposed to community violence from developing emotional and behavioral problems.

Bailey, B.N., Hannigan, J.H., Delaney-Black, V., Covington, C, Sokol, R.J. (2006).  The Role of Maternal Acceptance in the Relation Between Community Violence Exposure and Child Functioning.  Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 34(1), 57-70.

De-escalating a Fight in Family Therapy

Mother and daughter clearly wanted to fight, but it would have been a mistake to allow them to.  Carl extended his hand toward them, as if to block the current between them.  His voice was firm.  "Let me stop you two.  Because I really do want to wait for Don."  They looked away from each other, and the moment passed.

From The Family Crucible: The Intense Experience of Family Therapy by Augustus Y. Napier with Carl Whitaker

A Moment of Conflict in Family Therapy

"What we are talking about is the prospect of the family as a whole changing.  And to start that process with one fifth of the family absent would be unfair to Don (sibling) and I think unfair to you.  He's part of the family, and we need him here if the family as a whole is going to change." There was an edge of toughness in my voice. 

Mrs. Brice didn't give in easily.  "But Don isn't the problem.  The problem has to do with Claudia."  Her voice was chilly, too.  We were definitely having a fight. 

Nor was I giving in.  "But you see, that's your initial definition of the problem.  We assume that the problem is much more complex and much more extensive than Claudia.  And the whole family just has to be involved."  I hesitated, gazing with level intensity at the mother.  I realized that pushing the family might mean losing them, but I knew that it had to be done.  "Now, maybe you guys aren't up to this kind of major job that we're talking about.  We really can't decide that for you.  But it's clear that we need the whole family."  A very large and imposing silence.

From The Family Crucible: The Intense Experience of Family Therapy by Augustus Y. Napier with Carl Whitaker

Moments in Family Therapy

"Claudia (teenage identified patient in family therapy) seems pretty alive to me," I said.  "I like the fact that she's angry and fighting with her parents rather than taking the anger out on herself.  I feel that Claudia is very stressed, but that suicide right now is an option that she keeps open rather than an obsession.  As a fantasy, it seems very much a part of her battle with her parents."  I summarized.  "She doesn't feel suicidal to me."  Claudia seemed to brighten with the words.

From The Family Crucible:  The Intense Experience of Family Therapy by Augustus Y. Napier with Carl Whitaker

What if?

What if my study yields no significant findings or my hypotheses are not supported? 
I will still have learned the research process and completed my final requirement for the doctorate.

What if no man will ever love and cherish me again?
I will love and cherish myself.

What if people judge me for my choices?   
Ni modo (Fuck it).

What if people find out about my missteps?
I proudly own all my experiences.

What if people think I'm too this or too that? 
Not my problem.

What if people try to punish me (by shunning me) for not being a "good girl," in other words, not doing what they want me to do? 
Fuck it, it's not my problem.  They lose more than me in that shunning thing.  Thanks for walking out, meanies.

Who the fuck do you think you are playing against type, busting through glass ceilings, bending traditional gender roles, breaking with tradition, doing what you want, being happy, having fun?
Exactly.

What do they call the doctoral student with the lowest gpa at graduation?
Dr.