Saturday, March 4, 2017

Falling

Before falling in love for the second time in your life, you wonder if it will feel the same as the first time. You wonder if falling in love again is even possible.

Spending time, eating, eye gazing, smiling, dimple gazing, listening, understanding, talking, silliness and full-throated laughter, reading each other's minds - in a good way, marveling at beautiful things, dancing, reading aloud at brunch, holding hands, and having fun is a recipe for attachment.

I tend to rationalize that I can walk away at any time - which is true but in various degrees of painful.
I'm warned that I'm playing with fire but proceed cavalierly.
"I won't fire until I see the whites of their eyes," I reasoned.
Not everything that is logical is true.
Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants (el corazón no se manda) and reason is powerless.
It's all fun and games until someone gets hopelessly attached.

I fell with naïve abandon.
The feelings bubbled up and made me smile from my brown eyes to my painted-red toes.
I covered my face from embarrassment.
I bit my knuckled fists with overwhelmed exasperation.
I smiled at the thought of it while doing the most mundane of things, like sitting up super straight at work or copying and pasting.
I still register the feeling in my cells.

We have a right to all of our thoughts and feelings.
All feelings are normal and natural.
The thing to do when you have a feeling is to notice it and accept it, without judgement.
Feelings are ephemeral and transient - they will pass.
This too shall pass.

I fell hard and it didn’t work out.
I don’t push away the feelings anymore.
I accept I will feel this way for however long it takes.
Just because you fall doesn’t mean you have to stay.
You can love yourself and expect things like honesty and commitment.

I fell.
I feel lucky to have fallen, no matter how painful.
Relationships come with risks and there are no guarantees.
Risking heartbreak is the price of admission to any relationship, without which, life has no color.
Whether it lasts twenty years or one year, the gains and losses are bittersweet.
Relationships are the point of this life so I'm gonna take my chances, again.
Wiser now but not cynical and no longer so naïve.
They say the third time's a charm.

No comments:

Post a Comment